- Note: sometimes I use creative writing as an emotional steam
cleaning. It often helps cheer me up afterward. This is one of those times.
Read the story with a grain of salt.
People wondered. He was always just a little bit off the beaten path. It was easier for him that way, but it sure made life hard in the end.
Most people got it in the winter. It might affect him then, but usually he was too busy for things to drag him down too low. No, winter was his up time.
The hard part was summer.
Lorne settled into his office chair and stared at the stack of papers he had to fill out. It was a good thing he had taken copious notes over the past six months undercover. Just too many details to keep track. And the brass wanted a detailed report of the entire operation.
There were regular interruptions from the guys passing by his office, and this didn't help him get any further on the paperwork. They were all happy to see him back. For that matter, he was happy to be back! He had been in some pretty tight spots this season. It was nice to relax again and see some friendly faces. Faces that could be trusted.
Trusted. Sometimes he wondered if the underworld had more of a sense of community than the straights. There had to be at least 50 guys stopping by his door over the past week. Some shaking his hand so hard his arm nearly came out of the socket. Some with hardy back slaps and truly warm grins.
But they were gone within five minutes without fail. Of course. They had work to do. Places to be. Perps to catch. Brass to polish.
Lorne didn't hold it against any of them. He'd do the same thing in their shoes, and had done it. But after three years in the undercover division, he could see the direction this was going, and he wasn't sure he was up to the challenge.
It took a certain breed to do undercover work. It helped if you had few ties. No family. Few friends. No kids. He was paid well for the work. Nobody wanted to do it. Well, almost nobody. He nearly did it for free. It energized him. It made him feel alive. Connected. The risk never seemed to enter his mind, and so far, the risks had never materialized in his world either.
That might not last.
He was okay with that. It was part of the job. Part of the call. Besides, if the job asked that much of him, who was he to refuse? Nobody else asked.
Lorne swivelled in his chair and looked out the window at the beautiful sunny day outside. The warmth soaked into him. It almost warmed his heart. A smile even spread across his face. Most of the work for past six months was in the dark. Undercover work was not a daylight profession. Just seeing the sun was a treat.
A sunlight of its own did exist, though. It was a different kind of trust. Police could work in the daylight. The underworld could not. And with that level of secrecy, there was a matching level of camaraderie that fueled the work. The worse things got, the better it felt. The smaller the loopholes, the tighter the knit.
Lorne couldn't deny it to himself, in his more honest moments. And he knew this was a dangerous sign. He should probably open up to the company shrink. He did, to some extent. But it scared him to even admit to himself how much of a brotherly bond there was between him and the crime boss he had just turned in. The feeling was there alright. Lorne missed him.
Not the crime. No, that was mostly disgusting.
The dark sunlight.
Yeah, that was it. A warmth from the very people who would kill him to preserve their own scrap of heat. A red flame of humanity flickering among the dried logs of crime he was there to erase.
Now that it was gone, the rest of the world seemed empty. Bright, yes. Sunny, yes. Friendly, yes. Easy, definitely. But he could hardly find that spark to get the old engine running in the morning.
It was probably exhaustion. It was time to get reacquainted with normal life. With daylight. It would take time. No need to push it. But in the meantime, the drag was there. The tank was empty.
Welcome to summer, boys.